Depression: What Can I Say?

It's been a while since I did a post on my depression but this one has been a long time coming. As I continue to struggle to find answers and support for myself (and as anyone who has ever experienced depression before knows - finding the motivation to help yourself is an effort in and of itself!) I've encountered some great, awesome, helpful people and then...some who are not so helpful. I found myself wondering - what DO you say to a friend or family member who wants to talk to you about their depression? Here's my handy guide. I'd love to hear feedback from others - what helps you and what doesn't?

Things Not To Say:  
1. Just look on the bright side - you have a lot to be thankful for.  No shit. Really? Of course intellectually I know that I have a lot to be thankful for but depression isn't about intellectualizing - if I could talk myself out of my feelings, I would have done so a long time ago, so why not just give me a second helping of guilt by reminding me that in addition to feeling like crap, I'm ALSO not being grateful for what I have?

2. You're making yourself this way - if you just tried harder/did x differently/thought differently/believed in Jesus then it would get better. This is a fairly ignorant point of view in that it assumes the person is completely in control of the way that they feel. You know who feels the worst about my depression? I DO. If I could press a button or snap my fingers or even saw off a limb in the promise that this would disappear, I would do it in a heartbeat. It's not about mind over matter. 

3. Are you sure you're able to work/parent /have more children in the state you're in? Are you me? Are you my husband? Do you have deep, intimate and personal knowledge of our lives and decision making capabilities? No? Then shut the f*ck up and stop assuming that I'm incapable of making informed decisions simply because I struggle with depression. 

4. I totally know how you feel - Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Regardless I've never felt helped or commiserated with when someone told this to me. Chances are unless you've lived my exact life, you can't possibly know exactly how I feel. Maybe you're going through or have gone through something similar - in which case - let's chat! 

5. How does your husband put up with you? This person was lucky I didn't punch them in the face. So there's that. 

6. If you don't stop you're going to mess up your child/children - I had a psychiatrist tell me this. I'm serious. Wow. That was the last time I ever saw or spoke to her; went out and found a post partum depression SPECIALIST. Not all psychs are created equal - some of them are downright awful people with no capacity to empathize with others. It boggles the mind how they ended up in their current career, but always remember - you HAVE choices. Just because they have a Ph.D at the end of their name doesn't mean they know YOU better than YOU do!

7. Hang in there! K, thanks. I'll keep that in mind.


Things To Say: 

1. How can I help?
2. I'm there for you - here is my telephone number/email/etc and I'm available to talk if you need me.
3. I don't know how you're feeling but I'm sorry that you're feeling that way because I care about you.
4. You're doing a good job by seeking help/trying hard/expressing your thoughts or feelings
5. What you're feeling is not wrong/bad/crazy
6. Your family and friends love and value you
7. You are a worthwhile person and you are not defined by your diagnosis 

In Which My Car and I Get Into an Argument

It has been no small secret how much I love my truck. Besides it's stylish reliability I even wrote a blog post singing "his" (Ridgy) praises. However, Ridgy and I had a bit of a falling out last week - here's the story.

The day started badly - this is always an omen of things to come. A late alarm, scrambling out of the house and then returning three separate times because I had forgotten critical items - jetting back and froth, baby on hip, in the pouring rain. I dropped Allie off at daycare and decided to stop for one of those nasty canned Starbucks drinks because when you're at my advanced level of caffeine addiction, you don't really care where and in what form you get it. Having procured my coffee, I returned to the truck and turned the key, to which Ridgy replied CLICKCLICKCLICK. Click? Cars don't go click, they go vroom, then they speedily and safely take me to work - THATS WHAT CARS DO. What is this CLICK business? 


I run through a list of possibilities, and given my extraordinarily limited knowledge of cars I decide that I probably turned the key for too long while starting it and flooded the (engine?) with gasoline. Having a vague memory of being told this can happen, I sat back for 20 minutes, checking twitter and waiting for the extra gasoline to go back to....wherever it's supposed to go. Turning the key again I hear the ominous CLICKCLICKCLICK as the gauges on the display go crazy, jittering back and forth  alarmingly. Why. What did I do? I try my last resort - the approach I take basically anytime something mechanical which I don't understand malfunctions - I turn it off and turn it back on once again with similar results. *insert loud stream of profanity*. Panicked, I tweeted an emergency call for help from any twitter friends in the area, then called Matt, at this point I am incoherent with panic.

Matt: Hello?
Me: THE CAR IS BROKEN
Matt: Broken? Did you get in an accident?
Me: NO IT GOES CLICKCLICK AND THE (can't recall the word 'gauges at this point) NEEDLES GO CRAZY EVERYWHERE AND IM AT WALGREENS
Matt: I have no idea what you're talking about but are you stuck?!
Me: YES!
Matt: Ok, I'm on my way.

Turns out, it was a dead battery. Oh Ridgy, what did I do to upset you? A 4 year old car shouldn't be having these problems. I know I've been neglecting you recently, what with a toddler that rides in you now but I DO try to clean you the best I can and I KNOW THERES A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH BEHIND THE BACK SEAT but I am doing my best, okay?

Anyway, Matt drives me to work, promising to pick me up at 4:30pm since I am now without a vehicle. My job, I should point out, is in pretty much the most vile part of Allentown you can imagine. A part of Allentown that a girl who grew up in New York City feels uncomfortable walking around in. As luck would have it, work wrapped up early that day. Too early. An hour and 1/2 too early. And I have no car. You know what, I tell myself, with completely disingenuous bravado, I'm a New fuckin' Yorker - I can walk anywhere I damn well want. So I make it a few blocks down to Subway where I kill 45 minutes eating a flatbread sandwich I didn't really want very, very, very slowly. A few blocks later, I park myself on a bench in a visible spot in front of the court house and text Matt as to where I am, partially so he can find me and partially so he can tell the police the last place I was ever seen. And I sit.

Now, I know I'm not a youngster anymore - at 28 I've certainly noticed the number of catcalls I get on a daily basis have decreased significantly but sitting, alone, on an f'ing park bench I imagined I might get a FEW advances, right? Single lady? Alone? After a few meagre "hey baby''s from out of car windows I see a man approaching me - making a beeline for me actually. (1) I am vaguely flattered/relieved (2) I am intimidated. "Hey" he says. "Hi" I reply back to him. "You have shit on your pants." "Excuse me?" "Your pants, you're sitting in bird shit and it's all over your pants." he says, and walks off. "Thanks" I mutter. Thanks a lot self-esteem ruining bird shit police.

I was eventually picked up and driven home, although this remains one of the strangest days I've had in quite some time. Oh, and Ridgy and I are back on good terms, mostly. 

My Week in Google Searches

Best Intervention Episodes
Bath salt addiction is it real?
Dogs can't eat Jello
The Duck Song
How do you make mint jelly?
I'm confused about crocheting
Online eye tests
Phonics song
Right here waiting for you richard marx
What does SMH mean?

My First Day

I'm filing this story under "these things could only happen to me" because there's really no other way to classify the absurdity of today's events.  To summarize, a container of peanut butter saved not only my job, but also, potentially my life and most certainly my pride.  But let's backtrack a bit, so I can explain the inane series of events that led up to this moment.

I started the day running - getting myself and Allie ready for our collective "first days" - hers at daycare, mine at work. In all the scrambling, on the drive, I realize I've forgotten to take my medication. I shrug it off, as it's happened before with no consequence more severe than a little headache. After dropping Allie off at daycare I decide to drown my growing migraine with a cup of coffee and a Fiber One bar. I spend some time in the parking lot gathering myself, during which time I send this tweet: 

Angel__Bee Michele 

Nothing says professionalism like finding peanut butter in your work bag.

Flash forward to noon....

No, I didn't pack my lunch, in fact, I wasn't aware that (1) everyone packs their lunches in this office and (2) the office itself is in a part of Allentown so vile that nobody even dares to venture any further than the parking lot, so getting food "somewhere" is out of the question. I go out to the car, drink some Red Bull and eat 1/2 a container of breath mints.  Flash forward to 2pm.

It begins. The morning of stress combined with the lack of medication, combined with the caffeine and fiber, combined with a stomach full of mints hits me like a brick wall covered in spikes and smeared with Ebola virus. "There is no pain, you are receeding, a distant ship's smoke on the horizon" - I start to get cold sweats, to the point that I feel sweat dripping down my back, neck and temples. My hands are cold and clammy. "You are only coming through in waves." My eyes start to see stars and my ears are muffled so I can barely hear what my training instructor is saying. "Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying." I am smiling and nodding the best I can, at this point, - be cool, maintain the appearance of normalcy. Smile. Nod. Yes, I do understand how I have to date and sign this paper. No I don't think I might be dying at this very moment.

In my confused state I try to assess my options. I am sitting at a training for my new job as an ADDICTION COUNSELOR inside a drug & alcohol facility. Randomly fainting and/or vomiting would probably be looked on suspiciously here. Could I excuse myself to the bathroom? Could I even make it to the bathroom? I pardoned myself and careened down the hallway to the ladies room where I locked the door and lay on the cold, disgusting laminate floor, breathing in & out erratically. I just want to go to sleep. How long could I lie here before they found me, I wondered? I needed something to eat. NOW. Wiping off my face in the mirror I remembered - THE PEANUT BUTTER - with shaking hands I tore open the container and squeezed it into my mouth, remembering in 1 horrific moment the day I had acquired it, roughly 1 year ago. I swallowed and drank some water from the sink, disgusted with myself but begging for mercy. Within moments the ringing in my ears began to subside and I started to feel normal. I splashed some more water on my face and returned to the meeting room.

And that's the story of how I almost passed out / potentially had a panic attack on my first day back at work. 

Follow a Follower Giveaway!

I've never done a giveaway before, in fact, this isn't even a 100% serious giveaway but here we go...


As many of you know, I have recently taken up crocheting. While I spend most of my time working on this scarf, I also like to dabble in what I call Michele's Yarn Abominations. What is it? You may be asking yourself? Well, good reader, that's part of the fun of a patented Yarn Abomination. Nobody quite knows. Is it a trapezoid? A tiny, albeit useless handbag? A pony? Are you squinting really hard - did you try squinting? Anyway, here's the deal-io. Go to my twitter account and follow a random person that I follow. Then, leave me a comment on my blog telling me who you chose to follow and anything else you'd like to add. Requests are welcome, however, I can't gaurantee they will be fulfilled. Such is the nature of a Michele's Yarn Abomination. Then I will choose a LUCKY commenter to receive their Abomination! You can even choose the color of the yarn. That's just how much I love you guys.


And while I don't actually expect a single person to follow through with this, I promise I will continue making my little Abominations because it's good, clean fun, damn it!

Favorite Favorites/ Ridiculous Retweets

hot_spunk Justin Boner 

I'm getting pretty good at putting deodorant on. I hardly ever get it in my eyes anymore.

MrWordsWorth Mark Campbell 

Papa Murphy's was founded on the idea of making pizza like no one else. So they cover it in turnips, ball bearings and 7-Up.

That_Biz Biz 

THAT DOESN'T GO IN YOUR NOSE!

MrWordsWorth Mark Campbell 

Facebook to scrap the 'Poke' and replace with with 'the long, uncomfortable hug.'

Jason_maybe Jason 

Ever had a mullet? Killed a deer with your bare hands? Slept with your sister? NASCAR has exciting job opportunities for you!

exlibris Little Big 

I really think parenting would be a lot easier if we were all given interns.

FilthyRichmond Jocelyn 

Zoloft's sad little blob character is no match for Abilify's bug-eyed black hole of gnawing existential despair.

AngryBieber Justin 

"I push-a broom across your face, I dip your penis into this place, I touch mars and I'll finger cars." -Anthony Kiedis, I'm assuming.

L8enough Alex Iwashyna 

My son: Do you want to see 'butt in the air'? Me: Maybe?

kkilimnik Kelly 

One day I'm going to revolutionize the fashion world with dog hair covered clothes. One day.

snotandboogers Tina 

Waiting for my mom to show up is like waiting for Godot

HwnInPA Jason 

My new phrase for the day: Catastrophic Gastrointestinal Distress Read into it as you will.

TristinaWright Tristina 

The dog is not cleaning up the thrown mango. Fail living vacuum. Fail.

unxpctdblessing Lauren Hale 

It'd be easier to find a unicorn than it is to get a Virginia driver's license.

nicthacker Nic Thacker 

LOL GUYS WHY ISN'T THERE A DISLIKE BUTTON ON FACEBOOK BECAUSE I DISLIKE SO MANY THINGS

bumlaser Nick Beatty 

HANDEGG is upon us. The Giants or whatever of New York against the kitten-murdering Eagles of Philingdelphia.

MeganShpettit Megan Shpettit 

Your girlfriend has a phone app that amasses all the stupid things you've said so she has ammunition for the next fight.

KatyShuroo Kate 

Where would we be without our old friend, the potato, eh?

nick_hubert Mr Nick 

Ikea was busy. I only managed 2 fights but won both of them. I bought a highchair.

MrWordsWorth Mark Campbell 

All the people who die in Jason Statham films? He really kills them.

exlibris Little Big 

Licking melted brie off my shirt. #baller

FozziesRevenge Nate Lopez 

EEE YAA AAAAYYEE OHHH, EEE YAA AAAAYYEE OHHH! ZOMBIEEE ZOMBIEEE ZOMBEE EE EE........ you're welcome

holdthypiece Tony 

Made a Wile E Coyote "HELP!" sign. When the satellite hits me I'll be found with just one arm visible, still clutching my sign.

CElston Christopher Elston 

I don't want to brag, but I really dominated a group of seven year old girls on the soccer field yesterday.

MeganBoley Megan Boley 

Immediately drank coffee after puke. Body was like "that's better! If you are going to chug something at 6am, better be coffee, idiot."

MeganBoley Megan Boley 

There is a little boy wearing a pirate hook and peeing in the park.

kblumenau Kurt Blumenau 

 by Angel__Bee

@ 

@MakeMommyCoffee Porta-johns, dog poop and "Twilight": All your posts tonight are about s--t.

Ch8rming This Charming Man 

 by Angel__Bee

Shia LaBeouf is what happens when you name your child from a random rack of Scrabble tiles.

TwoAdults TwoAdults 

 by Angel__Bee

I willing to bet that the Michelin Man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow guy are related.

ProfessorSnack ProfessorSnack 

 by Angel__Bee

May your chores today be endless and fraught with difficulty. Happy Labor Day.

IvanBrett Ivan Brett 

 by Angel__Bee

Bitten by a radioactive Spider-Man, it's Spider-Man-Man!

LauraSparling Laura Sparling 

 by Angel__Bee

Birthday Fairy - Please deliver Ewan McGregor to me in a couple of weeks. I've been asking for him for seventeen years now. Love, Laura X

Athenabee Nadja 

 by Angel__Bee

If I could have a super power it would be the Vulcan Death Grip and I'd use the shit out of it.

LVwithLove LVwithLove 

 by Angel__Bee

Guinness World Record for "most bobble heads bobbling at once" broken today!!!! #earthquake

FozziesRevenge Nate Lopez 

 by Angel__Bee

HOW HAVE WE NOT PERFECTED PRINTER TECHNOLOGY YET?????

joraamn Bob Austin 

 by Angel__Bee

RIP Richard Simmons. He's not dead or anything, I just hope he sleeps well tonight.